MLB Headlines Week 6 *AMENDED*

**************AMENDMENT NOTE*****************
Apparently, boots~ e-mailed me his headlines but I simply never got the e-mail. It must've gotten sucked into some giant virtual vortex or something. Anyway, his headlines are now listed below and the poll has been reset. Please, feel free to vote on the lefthand side...again.
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Alright, shockingly, we have an outright winner, and it's me! And I wasn't even scrupulous about it! I don't even get to do my evil laugh this week. You know, the one that goes like 'Mwa-ha-ha!' Hey, I just go to do it!

Well, I suppose we should get to the puns.

www.mlb.com Headline of the Week:
VOTE: All-Star balloting is under way

Alright, that's not really a pun or clever. But seriously, All-Star voting...already? We're barely a month and half in. Why not call it the First-Month-Of-The-Season-Star Game?

Let's get to the puns:

Dr. Bitz:
May 11th, 2008 – Marlins 5 Nationals 4
Nationals lose game thanks to an 'Uggla' 8th inning

May 10th, 2008 - Blue Jays 0 Cleveland 12
Sizemore hits for more size in a laugher won by Laffey

May 11th, 2008 - Red Sox 7 Twins 8
No Grand Slam for Dennys as scoreless 8th paves way for Twins Victory

Teebore:
May 11th, 2008 - Red Sox 7 Twins 8
The Monroe Doctrine prevents BoSox incursion into Twins Territory

May 11th, 2008 - St. Louis 3 Milwaukee 5
Soup's On! Suppan slurps St. Louis in seven solid innings

May 10th, 2008 - White Sox 8 Seattle 4
White Sox wash out Washburn in six run second

boots~:
May 11th, 2008 – Marlins 5 Nationals 4
U-G-G-L-A! Had a power trip today! He Uggla, yeah, yeah. He Uggla! (Cheered to the rhythm of the "UGLY" cheer.)

May 11th, 2008 - Red Sox 8 Twins 9
Ha! HA! Fuck you, Boston! LOSERS!

May 11th, 2008 - Reds 3 Mets 8
Dunn Done, Adam whiffs again

OK, voting to your left, blah blah blah. Your votes really do count. I've been keeping track of the 'True Pun Standings' but those records are so far sealed.

Sunday Fantasy Baseball Log
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11:29 AM - I'm in a bad mood. I know, I know, I'm always in a bad mood fantasy-wise on a Sunday, but this week is worse. Maybe it's all about perspective. Maybe people who play fantasy sports all deal with this, but I really feel like I have worse luck than most. I mean, I know some people have good weeks spoiled by better weeks, but it seems that every other week I come across the worst possible matchup for me. But I'm probably paranoid. Here are the standings:
R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 30 8 29 5 .306 2 8 38 4.02 1.38
Him: 36 8 25 5 .349 4 0 66 4.37 1.16

It's a tight one, nearly all the categories are up for grabs, though runs and strikeouts seem a bit out of reach for me. (Although I have 4 starting pitchers going today and he has one, so there's an outside chance to eek out strikeouts, but it's highly unlikely.) Anyway, I think I'm safe with saves, since I have an 8 save lead and you can only play 7 pitchers any one day. But lets look deeper at some of the other categories.
I have 30 runs and am losing by 6. Besides my opponent, do you know who else would be beating me in runs? Nobody. In fact, besides my opponent, the highest run total of any other team this week would be 23. That means the worst I could do against any other opponent this week would be winning by 7. Instead I'm down by 6.
I have 8 home runs and I'm tied for the week so far. There is only one other team besides me and my opponent that has 8 home runs. If I faced any of the other 7 teams I would be winning that category as well.
I'm tied in stolen bases at 5. You know who has 5 stolen bases on the week so far besides me and my opponent? You guessed it, nobody. Although this isn't as bad as Runs, because some people do have 4 stolen bases.
I'm losing average by .043 points. I'm .306 and he's a sick .349. His team would simply not stop hitting this week. Besides my opponent, do you know who else would be beating me in average? Oh, that's right, NOBODY! In fact only one other team is above .300 with .302. *sigh*
Luckily my pitchers are making up for my hitters great but not great enough performance by simply being mediocre. (Aside from saves.) I suppose things could change with 4 pitchers going today, so we'll see how this all shakes out.
Sunday's a fickle beast, so who knows what's in store. Maybe by the end I'll lose 7-3 and it will be legitimate and not just a bad match up. We'll have to wait and see. But right now I'm so mad I could push Hunter Pence through a sliding glass door.

12:19 PM - First at bat of the day is Brandon Phillips, who flied out to right field. Sounds about right.

12:25 PM - Noticed the Cleveland game has been delayed. Not good considering one of my four pitchers is Fausto Carmona. Although, I won't necessarily miss Travis 'I should get back on the roids' Hafner who yesterday somehow managed to go 0-3 with one measly run in a 12-0 rout of Toronto. Of course Grady Sizemore, my opponent's player, managed to hit two home runs in the game. Maybe Sizemore should share some of his HGH stash with Hafner. Speaking of HGH, apparently the Detroit game has been postponed and thus Pettite is not pitching. There's one pitcher down.

12:31 PM - Oliver Perez managed to pitch a scoreless first inning and the Mets have scored 3 runs in the bottom of the first. Too bad Perez will blow up in the 5th and give up at least 5 runs in the inning...like always.

12:40 PM - Big strikeouts from Oliver Perez and Shawn Hill. Now I'm only down by 24!

1:07 PM - Hey, Carl Crawford has a hit, a steal, and a run. I'm liking that!

1:17 PM - Hanley Ramirez and Stupid Ryan Zimmerman are both 1 for 2 so far. Seriously, his team will just not stop hitting.

1:20 PM - Carl Crawford struck out swinging. Stupid Carl Crawford, what have you done for me lately?

1:21 PM - Just noticed Brandon Phillips stole a base. I might actually win that category!

1:24 PM - Well, 'Professor' Xavier Nady won't be playing today because his game was postponed. Is there a monsoon on the East Coast that I don't know about?

1:36 PM - Man, the Cleveland game is postponed now. That's two pitchers down. That means, unless I get a vulture win from a reliever, I'm down to hoping for a tie in wins.

1:38 PM - Just noticed that Cueto is on the my opponents bench but he's pitching today. Mistake by my opponent or strategy? I have to say, Cueto's 6.23 ERA and 2.08 WHIP isn't looking so hot, so if it was intentional then the strategy is working out for him.

1:58 PM - Looking over things and I found my opponent has 5 batters not playing because their game was postponed. Which is good for me, but I really need a big home run. Crawford's up to bat, let's see what happens!

2:00 PM - Crawford singled...listen Carl 'I Only Steal Bases' Crawford. Just because I didn't draft you for home runs doesn't mean you can't hit one every once in a while.

2:02 PM - I'm playing Lost Oddysey on my X-Box 360 and I just hate in RPGs when you defeat a boss and it gives you no experience. That's just ultra-lame.

2:03 PM - Crawford stole second, I'm running away with the category. Save some up for next week!

2:26 PM - So...Shawn Hill is taken out of the game after 7 innings and the guy who relieves him promptly gives up a two run homer to tie the game. No win for hill...no win for me in the Wins category. He just gave up a solo shot to Uggla too. But I don't care about that.

2:49 PM - Hey, Carl Crawford took my advice and hit a big 3 run home run! A home run plus two steals, that's what we call a combo meal! Lance Berkman has yet to play though...and I fear him....

3:41 PM - Got out of the shower. Carlos Quentin is 1 for 1 with a run. He's been a nice pick up for me. Oh, and Lance Berkman is 0 for 1. In the words of Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez, HA!!!

4:06 PM - Miguel 'Spicy' Tejada's up to bat. Come on...big home run...come on!!!

4:07 PM - Tejada's hit by a pitch! Kuroda's head hunting! Charge the mound! CHARGE THE MOUND!!!

4:10 PM - Lance 'F'ing' Berkman just grounded into a fielders choice. Which amuses me but now he's on base instead of Tejada. What are the odds he scavenges a run from Tejeda?

4:11 PM - Lee fouled out to third. No scavenge in play. I am shocked that Berkman is 0 for 2 though. But we'll get into that later.

4:27 PM - Hunter 'I wish his first name was his last name and his first name was Torii' Pence is up to bat. Let's see what happens.

4:29 PM - Pence struck out swinging. That's something Torii would never do. Quentin also struck out. What a bunch of losers. And yes, my hand pressed against my forehead in a L shape at the moment.

4:33 PM - Apparently Crosby stole home for Oakland. Has no bearing on my match up but it's worth noting. I wish my guys would steal home.

4:37 PM - Ryan Howard tripled to give Burrel the opportunity to hit a sacrifice fly. That's an RBI for my opponent. I call shenanigans. Ryan Howard is too big of a guy to be hitting triples.

4:57 PM - Alright, Tejada struck out but nothing really exciting is happening. I have to go to my parent's house for Mother's Day Dinner. Just saw a preview for 'The Strangers'. It's amazing how formulaic horror movies are these days. Take an every day situation, make it deadly, and convince the audience that this 'could happen to you.' What, Strangers come to the door and ask to use the phone and now they're killing the people because 'they were home?' That could happen to us! Come on, let's see some creativity for once. Alright I'll be back with wrap up.

8:28 PM - Saw at my mother's that the Twins were giving it to the Red Sox. I remember the Twins routed the Tigers last Mother's Day. Must be the pink bats! Of course, now they've just given back two runs. We need pink pitchers gloves...

8:30 PM - Just noticed that I'm only down 2 runs. There's outside chance that Youkilis and Mauer could get me the win in the category! Preferably Mauer.

8:31 PM - One run single by Youkilis. I need runs, not RBIs! But preferably runs from Mauer, not Youklis.

8:35 PM - I have 5 stolen bases today. There are entire weeks I go without getting 5 stolen bases. Save some for next week!!!

8:43 PM - Mauer coaxed a walk. Not sure he swung the entire at bat. That's how you become elite...walking. Let's hope Morneau drives him in.

8:44 PM - Morneau tried to drive him in with a giant swing, but whiffed. Two more swings to go.
8:45 PM - Seeing eye single for Morneau. Mauer's on third. Let's get him home!!!

8:47 PM - Cuddyer walks. Come on! I need someone to drive home Mauer. Bases loaded, Mauer on third, two outs. The Legendary Craig Monroe is at bat. Come on Monroe. You can do it. I'd even accept a walk from you!

8:50 PM - ERROR! ERROR! Sweet, sweet, error. Mauer scored. Good for Twins, good for my fantasy team. I'm only one run down from tying the category!

8:51 PM - 'The Rally Killer' Delmon Young just grounded out to end the Twins 2 out rally. Shocker.

9:16 PM - Mauer singled. Time for a big Morneau home run...

9:18 PM - A walk. Well, at least Mauer is in scoring position.

9:20 PM - Stupid Cuddyer hitting into an inning ending double play.

9:30 PM - Coco 'It was cooler when I played on the same team as Milton Bradley' Crisp just hit a two run homer but Youkilis wasn't on base, so there's no silver lining. Hopefully the Twins can cling to this now 2 run lead.

9:35 PM - Monroe hits his second home run of the game...too bad Mauer wasn't on base.

9:43 PM - Just saw Dennys Reyes for the first time in a while. What's with the facial hair? I know facial hair helps 'slim' your face down, but Dennys Reyes would need to be the wolfman to slim down his giant cabeza.

10:06 PM - Top of the 9th, Twins up 9 - 6, Youkilis is on third with one out. I'm conflicted.

10:09 PM - Youkilis scored on a double that Gomez should've caught. I would've much preferred a sacrifice. But hey...I've tied the category...I guess...

10:16 PM - Well, Twins win...barely. Technically, I win the week, barely. Full recap coming up.

10:43 PM - Let's take a look at the final score:

R HR RBI SB AVG W SV K ERA WHIP
Me: 39 9 36 10 .332 3 8 49 3.92 1.29
Him: 39 8 27 5 .343 4 0 69 4.24 1.13

So, I entered the day down 3-5 and ended up pulling out the 5-4 victory. I should be happy and have no reason to complain, right? Well if you think that then you don't know me very well. I mean, look at those numbers. I tie runs at 39? I lose batting average at .332! This is nuts. Nobody else but my opponent even cracked .300 for average. Did some looking around and if I played anybody else the worst I could have done is won 6-4. So I played the absolute worst match up for me this week. Awesome. Hell, I would've beat boots~ this week 9-1 yet he ended up winning the week 5-4. I ask you, where's the justice? If I'm this pissed, think how pissed my opponent is? If he took this half as seriously as I did.

Nemesis of the Week:
So many contenders this week. Ryan Zimmerman and Grady Sizemore with their multi-home run games. Hanley Ramirez has 8 runs on the week, 3 steals, and .471 batting average. Yet even that wasn't enough to earn the honor of Nemesis of the Week. Yes, somebody else pissed me off more than I could possibly imagine. Frickin' Lance 'I never take a night off' Berkman. What a bastard. You know what his line was for the week? 10 runs, 2 home runs, 5 RBIs, 2 Steals, and a sickening, gut wrenching, .682 batting average. What...the HELL!!! He had multi-hit games every day this week except for today, where he was a paltry 1 for 4 and managed a measly one run and one RBI. The other day he didn't have multi-hit game? Monday...because his team didn't play, but I bet he went 3 for 4 in a pickup game in his backyard. This guy was a nightmare night in and night out. I am so glad I won't have to see him for a while.

Savior of the Week:
Well, I won this week, which means my team had a savior. The Savior of the Day would be Carl Crawford (Today: 3 for 5, 2 runs, 1 Home run, 3 RBI, and 2 Stolen Bases. Good little game), but overall he was just OK for the week. There was one person, though, who probably pissed my opponent off just as much as Lance Berkman pissed me off, and his name is Kevin Youkilis. His line for the week is 8 runs, 10 RBI, 1 Stolen Base, and .375 batting average. Oh yeah, he also awesomely hit 5 home runs this week. Best of all? The only reason he was on my team was because Alex *Expletive Deleted* Rodriguez is on the DL. Nice little replacement for me there. If I didn't have Youkilis on my team this week...well...I shudder to think.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that mother nature is a bitch. She rained out 5 of my opponents batters and she's probably the sole reason I won Home Runs and tied Runs. So how about that, a little good luck for me for a change. But I'm sure Teebore's happy about all this. He's facing me next week and after the numbers I put up this week I'm primed to fall back to Earth next week...and fall HARD!